These are some of the feelings involved in coming into a new situation, in realizing that groups change every time someone leaves, in saying goodbye, and in understanding that when someone leaves someone new may arrive. It is difficult for most people to accept change, especially when it directly affects them. Youth groups are in constant flux, with young people, volunteers, leaders, and ministers coming and going. One constant is the yearly class change when seniors graduate and freshmen join.
Changes, transitions, and goodbyes are a part of our life. No matter how old or young we are, changes in our lives can be difficult. The youth group as a Christian community offers an opportunity both for the group and its individual members to deal with these feelings and doubts as a natural part of life. Here are some suggestions for using the changes in the life of the community to grow.
Saying Hello to a Group
As a newcomer, understand that the group will need time to get to know you and possibly to adjust to losing someone. The key word is discussion. One way to facilitate working through these changes is to talk about what the group has been, what they have done, what they have enjoyed, what they like. Then talk about what they want to do, what they want to change, and what they dream about doing.
Time and trust are also two important words here. It will take time for you and the group to adjust to one another. Trust is an important thing to build. In the first few months, be intentional about community and trust building. Find ways to explore and reveal who you are, where you have come from, and what you hope to do. Learn who the individuals of the group are, where they come from, and what they hope to do. Plan a retreat focusing on identity and faith journeys. Plan an excursion to an obstacle course for group building. Plan a time where you have to work together on a particular project such as a fund raiser, a special dinner, a mission project. In these early days, be open and honest in expressing and hearing feelings.
Saying Goodbye to a Graduating Class
Every year an old class goes and a new class comes. It's a fact in every youth group's life. How does the group deal with it? This reality offers a great opportunity for the community to approach change and transition as a particular issue in each individual's life. Once again, the key word is discussion. Plan a time for the group to discuss feelings, doubts, fears, and joys. Embrace the fact that the group will be different and that some people will no longer be actively involved. Celebrate the time and gifts that have been shared. Do a worship service together, have a meeting where the group reflects upon the time they have shared, a giving time where the classes give each other responsibilities and gifts. Have those who are leaving share with the group their hopes, doubts, and dreams for their new endeavors. At the last meeting of the year, use the time to support and commission those who are leaving and to celebrate the richness of the community and its gifts.
Exit one group, enter another. The uncertainty of the new members and the old members can be used to encourage sharing ideas about the possibilities of a new year. Explore together what the group has been. This can be a good time to share the history of the group. Explore together what the group can be by affirming the best of what the group has been and dreaming of what the new group can be. Be intentional about having the group share feelings and expectations.
Saying Goodbye as the Person Who Is Leaving
If you are the person who is leaving, it is important to have closure with the group. Feelings and doubts should be openly discussed. As with any ending, a process of grieving will occur. If it can happen within the established community where trust has already been built, it will give the group a sense of identity and direction. Dealing with these feelings can also make it easier for the new person coming in. The stages of grief are applicable to changes in a group-denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and finally acceptance. The group collectively or individually may or may not experience these feelings.
Once again, the key word is discussion. The group needs to hear about the fact you are leaving from you first, not from the congregation's newsletter or their parents. It is important to talk about where you are going and when, so the group will be able to get an idea of distance and time (even if you are not going anywhere but just becoming involved in another part of the congregation). Don't just tell them the details; be open and honest about how you feel about leaving something familiar, starting something new, appreciating what has happened, and struggling with the change and its implications for your life. Let them know that you are affected by the change too; there are certain feelings involved in all changes of life. Ask them how they feel about your departure and how it will affect them as a group. Listen to these concerns and help them work out their fears through taking on responsibility for the life of the group. Talk about the changes that happen in life and how each of us has different ways to deal with them. Then celebrate both the time that has been spent together and the possibilities for the future of the community and for you as an individual.
If we are open and honest with our feelings, we may be able to develop a closer community within the group. All our lives we will be saying goodbye to someone. By dealing with closure in an open, honest, and natural way, those feelings of frustration, uncertainty, and sadness can lead to these feelings:
"I've been asked to take responsibility for the youth group. The last leader moved and now I'm responsible for a group I really don't know. We met last week and they seemed distant. Maybe it's just because we don't know each other yet. I know it has got to be difficult to get used to a new leader, and I also realize that they are still adjusting to the change. Maybe we should talk about it."
"I can't believe the seniors are graduating. When I started in youth group last year, I thought they were really hard people to get to know. Now after our retreats, fellowship meetings, and work trips, they are leaving to go to college. The group is going to be really strange without them. I'm going to miss them, but I know that the friendships we made will change and grow even though we will be away from one another. And those freshmen we are getting, we'll work to make them a part of the group. Sure, the group won't be the same. Change is both scary and exciting. But it's also a fact o f life, and it can be a challenging time of growing."
“I know she's leaving. She's been our priest for as long as I can remember. I know that the group will change, but we will continue. The new person will be different, but we can work together to grow as a group.”
Celebrate what the group has been, is now, and will be. Celebrate where people are going, not just those leaving but also those who are continuing. Both are growing experiences, and we will all be in these different places at some time in our lives.
Specific Activities
Saying Hello to a Group
Objectives
• To build trust
• To get acquainted with one another
Trust walks can be done in many ways. Here are two suggestions. You will need enough blindfolds for each person.
1. Break the group into pairs, putting together those who do not know one another well. Blindfold one person in each pair and let the other be responsible. Have them explore the building and grounds for a period of time with the blindfolded partner relying solely on the voice and touch of the other. Reverse roles and repeat. Then have them talk about putting complete trust into someone and how that felt. Bring the whole group together to discuss their experiences and being able to trust one another.
2. Use all advisors, new and old, as leaders. Have the group divide into as many smaller groups as there are advisors. Blindfold the young people in each group and have them stand single file with their right hands on the shoulder of the person in front. Each advisor will verbally lead a blindfolded group on a tenor fifteen-minute walk throughout the church property. The group must listen to and trust the advisor. Gather the groups together to discuss their experiences.
Self-collages are a way to get to know one another through creating an illustration of oneself. You will need magazines, paper, scissors, and glue. Have participants look through the magazines for pictures and words that describe who they are, what they like, what they do. Share yourself with the group too.
"Press conference" gives members of the youth group a way to get to know new advisors, but make sure the advisors are willing to be put on the hot seat. For this activity, the young people play the role of newspaper reporters, with the advisors being the ones interviewed. The questions should be "getting-to-know-you" informational questions that allow the advisors to tell something about themselves: "Please tell us about your family. Your home. What is your favorite holiday? What is your idea of a good time? What makes you happy? What sort of things bug you? What were you like in high school?" The questions should get some basic information from the advisors. They should be non-threatening to both the advisors and the group. As a possible follow-up, group members may want to publish a story on their advisors in the group newsletter.
Visiting members is a great way to get acquainted with group members on a one-to-one basis. Maybe you could announce that you will be visiting at certain times on certain days and have people sign up for a time.
Saying Goodbye to a Graduating Class
Objectives
• To celebrate good times the group has had
• To remember what the group has been and become
• To communicate feelings about change
• To dream about the future in the midst of change and gain a vision that life continues
"I remember when... " is an activity where each person writes down a good memory experience or a lesson learned with the group. Have people create or draw a symbol of their significant memory and then share the symbol and memory with the group.
"Dear Youth Group" is a letter-writing activity in which each person tells the youth group in a letter what the group has meant and recalls a cherished time spent together. Compile the letters into a "Dear Youth Group" edition of the newsletter.
"Senior story session" invites each senior to tell his or her story, not just up to the present but into the possible and impossible future. Have the seniors imagine what leaving their familiar surroundings will be like, where they will be in ten years, and how they feel about these changes. Discuss the dreams and hopes of the group with one another. From this information the group can then work up a short biographical sketch on each senior, to include in the Sunday bulletin or group newsletter, or create a senior dream page, where dreams and hopes are posted.
"I am leaving behind ... I am going to..." is a way to get everyone in the group to think about the changes involved in leaving and having people leave. Have the group write down what they leave behind as a graduating senior and what they think they will go to. Discuss these items and the feelings attached to them.
Map out the places where people are going when they leave. (You will need a map of the United States or the world, depending on your class.) Collect the addresses. The map can serve as a visual representation of how your community is spread throughout the country and the world. Discuss the feelings of those leaving to go to a new place in life. Discuss the feelings of those staying. Post the map as a reminder of the community that still exists, even across the miles.
Saying Goodbye as the Person Who Is Leaving
Objectives
• To discuss leave-taking and transition as a normal part of life
• To discuss your feelings as you leave
• To discuss the group's feelings as you leave
"Childhood to adulthood" looks at the changes and transitions we have all gone through or will go through. Have each person bring an item that represents childhood, such as a toy, clothing, documents, or mementos. Group members are to introduce themselves in turn and share their item and how it represents their childhood. Discuss the transition from being a child to where they are now. Next think about the transitions that will take them from where they are now to where they will be in the future (driving, dating, jobs, leaving home). List the transitions on newsprint. Then list the losses and gains of each transition. Close the discussion by sharing your feelings about leaving and the transition you will be going through.
"Letting go and leaving behind" is an activity where participants chart significant times of transition in their lives. You will need pencil and paper. Have each person fold a sheet of paper into four columns The first three columns represent one third of their life to the present. The fourth column will be for the next five years. Chart and graph the ups and downs of each life. After this, have the participants discuss their charts in small groups, focusing on people or experiences they have left behind and the feelings that were involved. Then have the participants think about the next five years. What do they see as their ups and downs? What will they let go of, say goodbye to? In the large group, list the significant goodbyes from their pest and then the ones in their future. Share with them your feelings about leaving and saying goodbye.
Map out where you are going. As a physical way of showing distance, point out on the map where you are now and where you are going. Share with the group the possibilities that await you. Discuss your feelings of excitement, joy, sorrow and uncertainty.
